Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
