mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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