I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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