Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
And then he peed in my hair
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