Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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