we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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