I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
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