I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
