matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
