come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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