i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You should frame my arrest warrant.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
