If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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