Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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