I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
