I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
