Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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