Midget sex pt 2 tonight
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
