Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
