remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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