Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
