I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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