I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
