she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
