A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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