true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
