are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
