I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
