my phone needs a breathalizer
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
