I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
