i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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