Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
