Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
