You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
