Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
