well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
