Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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