He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think i got beer on your cat.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
