I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
not ubering you a puppy
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
