I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
