i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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