I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Come share oat with me in your robe
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
