I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
