its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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