My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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