I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
