how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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