Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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