My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
