you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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