If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
