im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
