How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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