I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
