Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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