Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize