I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
