saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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