oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
